Chapter 45

Vivian gazed down at the food laid out on the table: Warm bread and an assortment of fruit. A light soup and tender meat that was easy to digest.

Since it was early morning and her mind was still a bit foggy, Vivian paused in front of the food.

She didn’t notice anything unusual until Asha pointed it out.

“...Um, Lady Vivian ?”

“Ah. Please, go ahead and eat.”

Vivian gestured for the young ladies to begin their meal.

Normally, Kylo would have already grabbed some bread and started tearing into it, so she’d ended up waiting out of habit.

It felt strange to Vivian how keenly she noticed Kylo’s absence after just a single day.

When she thought about it, they had been practically inseparable nearly every day for the past year.

Especially when it came to mealtimes, they always ate together.

No matter if someone was sick, or a visitor came, or they went off on some expedition, they’d always done it side by side.

And the time they’d spent together seemed to have dug deeper into Vivian’s life than she’d anticipated.

Sharing lunch and dinner the day before, then this morning’s meal with the young ladies... made her feel a bit uncomfortable.

She found herself wishing things would quickly revert to how they were, so she could enjoy a more relaxed meal.

“...”

What could Kylo possibly be doing right now?

He hadn’t shown so much as a glimpse of himself since yesterday.

She had no idea whether he was alive or dead.

Yet here she was, curious about what he was up to after only one day.

As Vivian chewed on her bread, she suddenly wondered why she was so concerned about him.

Sure, they shared their meals, but it had only been a day—what was there to be curious about?

Vivian decided not to overthink it and reached a conclusion: It must simply be because he was her possession—one of the few resources she held onto—so of course she’d want to know what was going on with him.

Vivian glanced at Asha and Rani.

Until these two left, she probably wouldn’t get to see Kylo.

...Suddenly, she found them a bit troublesome.

Even while thinking all this, Vivian maintained her steady conversation with Asha.

“...I’m glad to hear you slept comfortably.”

“It was my first time sleeping in the castle... so my heart was racing. And when I woke up, the view outside the window was truly moving...”

“How does the food suit you?”

“Yes. I’d love a chance to thank the cook if possible.”

“I’ll pass that along through one of the maids. I’ll let them know Lady Asha was pleased.”

“I’d be very grateful.”

“And Lady Rani...”

Vivian shifted her gaze to Rani, but unlike yesterday, Rani looked completely spaced out.

Unfocused eyes, chewing bread out of habit, moving slowly.

“...Rani...!”

Prompted by Asha’s whisper and a slight nudge, Rani jolted out of her reverie.

“Y-Yes?”

Again, Vivian smiled and asked,

“Does the food suit your taste?”

“Ah...! Yes!”

“You look tired. Did you not get much sleep?”

“Ah, n-no, that’s not... actually, yes.”

Rani switched her answer mid-sentence.

“...I’m sorry. I was too excited to sleep well.”

“Excited?”

“Ah...! It’s just—the castle is so beautiful.”

Vivian took the opportunity to subtly make a suggestion.

“If you’re feeling too tired, you can always head back home early if you’d like.”

Reacting more strongly than expected, the previously distracted Rani chimed in first.

“No! I want to stay here as long as I possibly can!”

“...Well then, that’s a relief.”

Relieved by Vivian’s permission, Rani let out a long sigh and slumped slightly.

“Haa...”

Seeing her so insistent, Asha looked to Vivian for direction.

Vivian flashed Asha a reassuring smile, but she couldn’t deny that Rani’s behavior today was quite puzzling.

.

.

.

“While I’m in my lesson, please feel free to rest. Or you can ask the maids to show you around the castle if you’d like.”

Right before her lesson with Madame Linne, Vivian informed the Dubos young ladies.

On a normal day, she wouldn’t have bothered with lessons when guests were visiting.

But staying with the Dubos young ladies all day was proving a bit draining—for them as well, she assumed—so scheduling a lesson offered them all some personal space.

Asha nodded in agreement.

“All right. Thank you for your consideration.”

Rani still seemed absentminded.

“...”

With a slight smile, Vivian headed into her room.

- Thud.

Inside, Madame Linne was already waiting.

Vivian let out a weary sigh when she saw her.

Madame Linne, her expression both stern and sympathetic, said, “It’s difficult, isn’t it?”

Vivian gave a small nod.

Indeed, forging friendships while wearing a mask wasn’t nearly as easy as it sounded.

Madame Linne told Vivian to take a moment to rest.

Once Vivian had found her composure in the quiet room, the lesson began as usual.

Madame Linne spoke.

“Today, once again, we’ll be learning about a man’s sexual desire.”

“...”

Vivian nodded.

It had been some time since she started studying sexual matters.

As her body moved closer to adulthood, she gradually began learning bits and pieces—particularly about men.

Beyond her plan to find a powerful husband once she came of age, it was simply necessary knowledge for Vivian as the lord of Roctana.

As a woman, she found it hard to grasp the male psyche—especially that of grown men.

And according to Madame Linne, without understanding a man’s sexual drive, it would be difficult to guide them effectively.

Reading Vivian’s expression, Madame Linne spoke gently.

“You shouldn’t dislike it so much. Understanding men in this regard is essential.”

“I know.”

With that small, brave reply, Madame Linne began the lesson.

She presented knowledge so frank and explicit that Vivian’s face burned red.

Her breath grew shallow just from listening, and her head swam.

The descriptions were raw and unpleasant enough that she wanted to cover her ears.

But Madame Linne maintained her composure, as though discussing nothing more than common sense.

“...And so, it’s like a torch soaked in oil. One spark is all it takes before it flares up, and then he can’t contain his sexual desire—”

“–W-Wait a moment.”

At last, Vivian couldn’t stand it any longer and cut Madame Linne off.

She couldn’t hold back her questions.

“M-Madame Linne, I still don’t understand sexual desire. It’s just... the hole you use for urinating. Why would you... If you’re not planning on making a child...?”

When it came to lessons about sex, Madame Linne was always patient with Vivian.

Sometimes, she even seemed to find Vivian’s cluelessness endearing.

Without scolding, Madame Linne guided her gently.

“Lady Vivian, you’ve wanted to hold someone you love, haven’t you?”

Vivian thought of her parents and replied,

“...Yes.”

“Think of it as that same sort of natural reaction. Except, in romantic love between a man and a woman, the emotion is far more intense and impulsive. Not many can stop themselves in the face of that attraction. Proper sexual desire isn’t dirty at all.”

“...But... it’s so disgusting. It’s not just enjoying each other’s company, it’s—y-you’re literally pressing genitals together.”

“You might say that now, but when you receive a lustful gaze from someone you desire, you’ll feel a certain satisfaction—simply as a woman.”

“T-That can’t be...”

“You only feel that way because you haven’t experienced love yet. If you had more time, you might figure all this out on your own. But right now, you’re learning everything before you’ve had the chance to experience it, so it’s overwhelming.”

“...”

“In time, you’ll understand. If you love someone, you’ll want to hold their hand... then embrace them... then catch their scent... kiss them... And when that happens, you’ll want to sleep with them, too.”

“...”

“You’ll desire the most intimate, most secret, and most passionate form of love there is.”

Vivian shook her head.

“...But if it’s such an intimate thing, why do the boy soldiers have relations with the maids? Did they have that much time to fall so deeply in love?”

“No, that is simply a distortion of sexual desire. That’s precisely why you must be cautious around boy soldiers, Lady Vivian. Commoners can’t help themselves.”

“...”

Boy soldiers and maids.

Once again, Vivian found her thoughts drifting to Kylo.

If there was any man she observed most closely, it was Kylo Allen.

Maybe that’s why, without realizing it, she kept inserting Kylo into every situation that came to mind.

She did know one thing, though.

A few months earlier, when Serena {the maid} had approached Kylo, he hadn’t done anything wrong.

But Vivian had hated that smile of his—when he accepted the cookies—so much that she had pinned all the blame on him.

Of course, he had never once shown any hint of sexual desire.

Even when other boy soldiers were rumored to be doing strange things with the maids in the stables, there had never been any gossip involving Kylo.

He had never been the subject of a single scandal.

It felt a bit unreal to imagine that Kylo might also have sexual desires.

Would he really want to do something so... disgusting?

Vivian asked,

“Do all... men have sexual desire?”

“Of course.”

“Isn’t there some chance someone doesn’t?”

Madame Linne gave a faint smile.

“If they’re normal, then every man has sexual desire. It’s human nature.”

“...But I’ve seen someone who doesn’t seem to...”

“They’re only hiding it well.”

...Kylo?

While she was lost in her thoughts, Madame Linne came closer and whispered as if sharing a secret,

“Lady Vivian, be honest. Have you never once felt your heart flutter around a man?”

“...What?”

“There are so many knights living in the castle, and some are even handsome. Among the boy soldiers, there must be some good-looking ones. Have you ever had your heart race when you saw one... wanted to be in his arms... found yourself thinking about him all day...? If so, you’d see how easy it is to understand sexual desire...”

In that moment, Vivian recalled the time Kylo had embraced her during the expedition—and how she hadn’t pulled away from his arms.

“N-No, never!!”

Vivian, desperate to deny the thought, shouted and sprang to her feet.

Startled, Madame Linne flinched, and Vivian quickly apologized.

“S-Sorry... it was just...”

The older woman didn’t scold her.

“No need. I fear I may have moved a bit too quickly with this lesson.”

“...”

“Let’s stop here for today, Lady Vivian. Rest and we’ll continue tomorrow.”

All Vivian could do was nod at Madame Linne’s words.

***

I stayed holed up in my room all day and came out only at night—when everyone else was asleep—to swing my sword.

I’d spent the day doing nothing but thinking, which proved incredibly dull.

The only thing I found remotely interesting was the chatter among the boy soldiers about their sexual encounters.

As we got older, that topic had really taken hold of everyone’s attention. Myself included.

Frankly, at this point, I wondered if it wouldn’t be better to allow the boy soldiers to go out.

Maybe letting them visit a brothel would dispel this tense nighttime atmosphere in the Penal Unit.

Well, there’s no way Vivian, who thinks sexual desire is filthy, would ever permit that.

Anyway, I wonder what Vivian is up to.

It’s now been two days since I last saw her.

I’m beginning to feel a little curious about how she’s doing.

It’s only been two days but cooped up in my room, it felt much longer.

I rolled my shoulders to loosen up, then gripped a wooden sword and was about to head into the empty training ground when—

“...Huh?”

I caught sight of a woman standing there: Rani Dubos.

She was watching me from a distance, her face slightly scrunched in displeasure.

– – The End of The Chapter – –

 

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