Chapter 122

Keirsey felt as if her stomach was turning inside out.

She constantly felt like vomiting, and her head throbbed painfully.

Her heart would race suddenly, startling her often, and sometimes she would bleed from the nose.

She was acutely aware of how selfish and adaptable humans could be.

The moment she thought Cayden was dead and he returned alive, she felt as if she had gained everything in the world. But that happiness gradually became familiar, and what remained was the reality that he had also accepted Judy.

She could accept it.

Judy was the woman who had saved him, and Keirsey was immensely grateful to her. She was willing to grant her any request.

However, that didn’t mean she didn’t feel jealous. Every time Cayden gave his heart to another woman, it wasn’t as if her own heart didn’t ache.

His gentle gaze, his smile, his warmth... Whenever these were directed at another woman, Keirsey couldn’t bear the sight without clenching her teeth.

But she had to endure. She had undergone many changes: thus the mindset that she had to let go of Cayden and the heart that couldn’t let go coexisted inside her.

As a result, she began to wear a bizarre smile whenever she was around Cayden.

Knowing how much he had struggled and suffered when he left them, and not being able to gauge what he felt when he left the Pryster lands…

Keirsey, not wanting to cause him any more pain, began to bless Cayden and the other women.

...Perhaps, it was a blessing in disguise that she suffered from aphasia.

Ignoring her rotting heart, like Asena did, she didn’t have to say, ‘I’ve given up on you.’

Just showing a smile was enough; she didn’t have to do those difficult things.

That might also be why her speech hadn’t returned. She didn’t want to speak.

But even so, there were things Keirsey couldn’t give up on.

When he wasn’t meeting Judy or Daisy... she cherished those leftover moments with him too much.

Though Cayden’s schedule had become so hectic that only fragments of time were left, Keirsey sought to savor even those crumbs.

So, when Keirsey heard that he wasn’t eating properly, she decided to make him a sandwich.

Despite all the servants trying to dissuade her, no one could oppose the determined Keirsey.

Her arms, hardly strong enough to hold a knife, began to strain as she sliced bread, meat, and vegetables.

Yet, Keirsey diligently prepared the sandwich, imagining Cayden enjoying it.

She worried if it might be lacking or if he might not like the taste, so she prepared various kinds of sandwiches in abundance.

And when Cayden smiled and thanked her... she felt a piercing happiness for the first time in a long while. At the same time, desire stirred within her.

Keirsey couldn’t understand why greed seemed endless. But with the writhing of that desire, all she had been suppressing seemed ready to burst forth.

She developed a sudden urge to feed him by hand.

Her grandmother was in the room, but Keirsey hardly noticed her.

However, that was a mistake.

She learned something she wished she hadn’t... that a meal was scheduled with Daisy, Judy, her grandmother, and her brother.

It was as if she had been jolted awake.

She felt embarrassed by her pointless act, ashamed, humiliated, and incredibly sad.

She thought, now even something this simple was beyond her reach.

He was her brother. He had loved only her. He was supposed to be hers. She had watched over him the longest. She knew him the best. She was the one who could love him the most.

But because she was his sister, none of it was possible.

She was increasingly resonating with Asena’s words.

Why did Cayden have to be her brother?

They weren’t related by blood... and now, even their surnames were different.

Perhaps it was okay now.

...That was her greed, and she felt it acutely.

Feeling she might cry if she stayed any longer, and unable to maintain her smile, Keirsey grabbed the plate and started to flee.

She sensed that he was steadily moving forward with a future that included other women.

It was she who was still ensnared by the unchanged emotions of the past.

From the next day, Keirsey’s health noticeably began to deteriorate.

As she had said, her stomach felt like it was turning inside out. The dry heaving worsened, and her head felt as if it were being squeezed tight.

Her desire to speak had vanished long ago.

She felt completely drained.

...Before she knew it, Cayden had appeared again upon hearing the news of her condition.

The sight of him, who always showed up when she was ill, was both tear-inducing and tormenting, as she knew she could never truly have him.

Smiling at him as he approached wasn’t too hard.

It was easy to smile the moment she saw his worried face. Even if the smile was awkward, it wasn’t difficult.

He spent a long time talking with the physician.

Unbeknownst to herself, Keirsey found herself hoping her condition was serious. If the physician shared grave news with him, Cayden might stay with her a little longer.

She didn’t even dare to hope for his undivided attention; she would be happy just to have him look her way a bit longer.

That’s what she was thinking when...

“Let’s go for a walk,” he said.

Her heart immediately started to flutter, planting the seeds of futile hope.

Ultimately, she couldn’t be with him like Judy or Daisy. She felt foolish and naive for being uplifted by his mere suggestion of a walk.

Perhaps he also found her bothersome.

He was already busy with preparations for war.

What business did she have throwing herself at someone who was already betrothed?

She didn’t want to bother him just to fill the emptiness that would inevitably return.

So, she wrote a note of refusal and showed it to him.

But Cayden easily shattered all her tormented thoughts. He tossed aside the note, slid his arms under her back and legs.

“Wah-?!”

He forcibly lifted her from the bed and dragged her out of the castle.

Keirsey struggled for a moment, but it didn’t last long.

His embrace was too warm.

The warmth she had desperately missed made it impossible for her to resist any longer.

Tears seemed about to spill.

Just this gesture alone shattered all the awkwardness of her forced smile.

She was even happier that he had forcibly taken her out. She felt happy that he seemed to care about her condition first and foremost.

.

.

.

Upon arriving at the Melis Plains, Keirsey could no longer bear to be apart from Cayden.

He had embraced her first, and Keirsey no longer wanted to hold back.

She clung tightly to his neck and sat in his arms, not even properly noticing the scenery around them.

Even though she had loved the flowers there, she couldn’t spare them a thought.

All she wanted was to press closer to him, to hold onto his warmth.

She tried not to think about the future. By tonight... they would return to the castle, and she would be separated from him.

She would feel that emptiness again.

But she didn’t want to give up the present because of what might come. So, she set aside thoughts of the future.

Instead, she lived in the moment. Cayden’s scent, the feel of his skin, his breath, his movements, his physique—she took it all in, determined not to forget any of it.

She wanted to tell him how grateful she was.

Despite his busy schedule, she was so thankful that Cayden had effortlessly given up a day for her.

She opened her mouth a couple of times to speak, but... she knew she couldn’t make the words come out.

So, she just held him tighter.

Daisy and Judy couldn’t see her now. If they weren’t around, Cayden had to be hers.

...Of course, she wished he could be hers even when they were around, but she understood her place.

“.......”

Her body was still, but her heart was tumultuous.

One moment, the current situation felt blissfully perfect, then suddenly, it was sad enough to bring her to tears. It felt like a dream at times, yet it was incredibly vivid at others.

Her desires were still writhing. No matter how much she suppressed them, they kept surfacing.

........Keirsey wanted to kiss Cayden now. That disgustingly selfish thought kept crossing her mind.

But she knew it wasn’t possible. So, she only imagined it.

She told herself to be content with this.

“....Keirsey...weren’t the flowers beautiful?”

After a long silence, he spoke.

She knew he was trying to wrap up the day.

But she was simultaneously surprised and startled. It felt like only a moment had passed, but when she regained her senses, the sun was setting.

She nodded in response to his words, but...

“.....Yeah. Let’s go back.”

At that, she couldn’t help but shake her head. It was really the first time in a long while that she had been so petulant.

She knew how much pain her petulance could cause Cayden, but ultimately, this was who she was.

She wanted to savor this possibly last secret meeting with him a bit longer.

And Cayden, to her hollow surprise, easily agreed to her request.

Relaxing the tension in his body, he sat back down.

How much longer could they stay like this?

“...Keirsey... Is it really impossible without me??”

Cayden’s question came out of nowhere, leaving her breathless.

His voice was heavy with seriousness. She was intensely curious about the intent behind his question, but her head was spinning too much, and her heart was beating too fast to ponder it.

All she could do was respond to him.

She started to nod, but Keirsey knew that wouldn’t suffice.

This had to be conveyed in words. If there was any chance to express her fervent feelings to him, she had to speak.

She opened her mouth at an angle where Cayden couldn’t see her struggle. She tried to prepare her voice, but her tongue wouldn’t cooperate.

At this rate, she feared she might only manage unintelligible sounds.

With that dizzying thought, she reflected on her memories with Cayden.

His smile. His gaze.

The warmth she felt when he touched her cheek. The happiness when he found her adorable.

And the excitement of being by his side.

“Im..poss..ible… imposs..ible.”

She forced the words out. Even if it felt like a failure, the words she managed to squeeze out held meaning.

Cayden didn’t respond verbally.

He simply nodded slowly.

Keirsey couldn’t fathom what he was thinking when he asked her that question.

But... please.

If there is a God, please.

She prayed that he had asked with the intention of considering... her.

In that glimmer of hope, the nausea that plagued her and the headache that had been crushing her head… All melted away like snow.

--- End Of The Chapter ---

 

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