Chapter 25: Incomplete compassion

 

Today was the day of the March mock exams.

 

The saying that the March mock exams predict one’s college entrance exam scores still seemed to hold weight.

 

A serious atmosphere permeated the expressions of most of the students in the class.

 

Of course, Eun-ha was also sitting at her desk, engrossed in her studies.

 

She was so focused that it was impossible to even strike up a conversation with her.

 

After all, this was the final year before the college entrance exams.

 

Naturally, everyone wanted to take their first steps on a positive note.

 

Having gone through the college admissions process once myself, I was also a bit nervous.

 

But to me, a ‘good college’ meant a college where Eun-ha and I could be together.

 

Since I hadn’t made many memorable moments in high school, I wanted to make some in college.

 

Some might think that was an ulterior motive, but I couldn’t care less.

 

What I wanted was clear to me, and nothing else needed to be considered.

 

After becoming an adult, I wanted to experience everything life had to offer with Eun-ha.

 

I wanted to drink with her and travel far places with her.

 

If I could do all the things we couldn’t do as students, what could be happier?

 

But what about the military service that comes with adulthood?

 

Ah... suddenly my future seemed bleak.

 

The thought of having to shave my head again and go back to training camp made me want to die.

 

I inadvertently let out a heavy sigh.

 

“Ha…”

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing, my future just looked a bit grim for a moment.”

 

“Because of the March mock exams? You said you did fairly well last time.”

 

“No, it’s a different concern.”

 

“Like what?”

 

“I’d rather not comment. It’s an insurmountable issue.”

 

Talking about military service with Eugene sitting next to me seemed far-fetched.

 

The term military service would probably occupy a minuscule space in Eugene’s mind.

 

But what would Eun-ha do while I would be in the military?

 

There was a saying about love withering away, and most couples did break up.

 

What do I do then?

 

There was also a saying that distance between bodies leads to emotional distance, too.

 

Should I just go ahead and marry first? No, that’s definitely jumping the gun.

 

But if I want to make sure she waits for me, wouldn’t it be best to legally become husband and wife?

 

However, getting married right after becoming an adult—our parents would never allow it.

 

In the end, I couldn’t clear my mind of these thoughts until the Korean language exam paper was right in front of me.

 

Right, worrying now would accomplish nothing; there’s nothing guaranteed or actionable at this moment.

 

Let’s think simply.

 

The best course of action was to solve the problems in front of me and dutifully accomplish what needed to be done.

 

And the thing that needed to be done was ‘How can I make Eun-ha like me more?’

 

It could be through studying hard.

 

Or by showing her my best side.

 

To make that kind of effort, I too needed to like Eun-ha more.

 

But strangely, that didn’t seem like it would be a problem.

 

I couldn’t explain why, but the size of my increasing love for Eun-ha seemed proportional to the amount of time we spent together.

 

Inexplicably, I felt that no matter how much time passed, thinking of Eun-ha would always bring a smile to my face.

 

When I thought of her, nothing else came to mind.

 

Not the uncertainty of the future, not the regrets of the past.

 

Her smile was enough to make me forget everything else.

 

It made my heart race but calmed my mind at the same time.

 

“Alright, start the exam.”

 

I opened the exam paper and started answering it swiftly.

 

Honestly, I wasn’t confident in Korean language, but I still managed to answer all questions within the time limit.

 

Eun-ha also seemed a bit drained, slumping at her desk.

 

Not wanting to disturb her rest, I didn’t approach her.

 

In the end, the long 100-minute math exam started without us exchanging any words.

 

Math was my strongest subject compared to others, so I solved the problems one by one.

 

I skipped the excessively difficult questions and carefully tackled the manageable ones.

 

Though I tried to solve the last question with the time I had left, it was a lost cause.

 

Soon, the test time was up, and the exam papers and OMR sheets were collected by the teacher.

 

With my hands atop my head, I looked over at Eun-ha; she didn’t look pleased.

 

It looked like she didn’t get the result she had hoped for.

 

Lunchtime had started, but Eun-ha was just staring blankly at the blackboard.

 

I wanted to cautiously approach her, but I had no idea what I could say to comfort her.

 

The more one strives, the greater the disappointment hits them.

 

I tried to think of words that could console the disappointed Eun-ha, but nothing came to mind.

 

Saying that the March mock exams aren’t worth stressing about would feel like negating all of Eun-ha’s efforts up to this point.

 

On the other hand, I couldn’t just say that results are always cold and impartial to someone who had been working so hard.

 

Despite pondering, I couldn’t think of anything to say to Eun-ha.

 

I considered telling her all of this, but I knew it would just make her feel worse.

 

Everyone had gone to have lunch, and only Eun-ha and I remained in the classroom.

 

After about ten minutes, Eun-ha lifted her head and shifted her gaze toward me.

 

Then she slowly walked over and stood in front of my desk.

 

“Han-gyeol, I don’t feel so well today. So can you go eat lunch alone?”

 

“Huh?”

 

She must be feeling so disappointed that even food wouldn’t settle well.

 

Seeing Eun-ha force a smile despite her downcast mood, I couldn’t insist we go eat together.

 

“Ah—Alright.”

 

Her expression said she wanted to be alone, so I ended up having lunch by myself.

 

When I returned to the classroom, Eun-ha was lying on her desk.

 

I chose not to approach her.

 

I didn’t want to bother her unnecessarily.

 

Being with someone doesn’t always make hard times less difficult.

 

Sometimes you want to simmer down alone, and sometimes you want to sort out your thoughts by yourself.

 

The courtesy of not asking, ‘What’s wrong?’

 

The consideration of not probing, ‘Is something bothering you?’

 

The kindness of not pressuring someone to open up.

 

The discretion of not asking even when you know, and even when you want to know.

 

I decided to fill half of such incomplete compassion with quiet patience.

 

Lunchtime ended, followed by English, Korean history, and politics tests. Now it was time to head home.

 

On my walk home with Eun-ha, not a single word was exchanged on the way.

 

It was filled only with silence.

 

We just moved our feet in mute unison.

 

Then I finally heard Eun-ha’s voice at the spot where we always part ways.

 

“See you tomorrow, Han-gyeol.”

 

“Yeah, take care, Eun-ha.”

 

“Sure, you too.”

 

We said goodbye without even the customary cheerful wave.

 

I could only watch Eun-ha’s dejected figure walk away.

 

Even when I got home, my mind was filled with thoughts of her.

 

Would she skip dinner after skipping lunch?

 

Should I send her a message?

 

Is she flipping her blanket over her head and crying in her room?

 

I wanted to suppress my worries, but to do that, I had to contact Eun-ha.

 

I wanted to hear her upbeat voice to reassure myself; I wanted to see her smile and say she was fine.

 

But knowing Eun-ha’s selflessness, I couldn’t.

 

If I were to ask if she was okay, she would undoubtedly force a smile and say she was.

 

So asking her if she was okay would only make her feel worse.

 

All I could do was stand quietly beside her when she finally felt better.

 

I held my smartphone for a while, worried about Eun-ha, before setting it down on the desk.

 

Even during dinner, even while trying to focus on online lectures, Eun-ha was all that occupied my mind.

 

I checked my phone several times, thinking she might contact me.

 

I even checked the messaging app a few times, worrying I might have missed a message from her.

 

Still, as it turned 10 p.m., there was no contact from Eun-ha.

 

Today seemed like a day when I wouldn’t be able to reach her.

 

Finally giving up, I washed up in the bathroom and returned to my room.

 

Being tired from the mock exam, I decided to go to bed early.

 

But the moment my back touched the bed, my phone on the desk started to ring loudly.

 

Startled, I rushed to the desk and picked it up.

 

The smartphone screen clearly displayed, ‘Eun-ha.’

 

I swiftly pressed the call button to answer her call.

 

“Hello?”

 

- Hello. Were you sleeping, Han-gyeol? I’m sorry. I called you so late...

 

Through the phone, I heard Eun-ha’s frail voice.

 

The moment I heard her downtrodden voice, a part of my heart felt cold.

 

I wanted to comfort her right away, but regretfully, my stupid self didn’t know what words to utter.

 

In the end, I continued the call with Eun-ha using a very common phrase.

 

“No, I don’t go to sleep this early. What’s up?”

 

Asking ‘What’s up?’ felt like a mistake.

 

‘I should’ve switched to another topic,’ I thought, filled with regret.

 

In a very feeble, yet terribly fragile voice, Eun-ha spoke.

 

- I just... felt like calling you, Han-gyeol.

--- The End OF The Chapter ---

 

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