Chapter 58: Anxiety

 

I might have been a bit too self-assured.

 

We were always together, studying side by side.

 

I had unknowingly come to believe that Han-gyeol and I would be facing each other from similar places.

 

I thought that if I maintained my current grades, I could definitely attend the same university as Han-gyeol.

 

“Eun-ha, what are you thinking so deeply about?”

 

“Huh? Oh, it’s nothing.”

 

This was a moment to celebrate and be proud of.

 

I should have been cheering for better success.

 

However, I couldn’t forget the emotion that had briefly flared up in my heart.

 

Just harboring that feeling made me despise myself.

 

I found relief in the fact that Han-gyeol was weak in Korean.

 

The idea that Han-gyeol might not soar high brought peace to my heart.

 

I couldn’t be honest with Han-gyeol about these feelings.

 

Even to me, they were contemptible emotions.

 

Even the kind-hearted Han-gyeol wouldn’t be able to accept these feelings of mine.

 

He might find it creepy if his girlfriend had such thoughts.

 

If the situation were reversed, Han-gyeol would have genuinely congratulated me.

 

He would have supported me to soar even higher.

 

Knowing this made me dislike myself even more.

 

I also loathed myself for testing Han-gyeol’s feelings in this way.

 

“Han-gyeol, what would you do if I went to study abroad?”

 

As we walked down the corridor, Han-gyeol’s steps halted.

 

He turned to me in shock and said,

 

“You’re studying abroad?! Where? When are you going and coming back?!”

 

“No, no! I’m just asking what you’d think if I did.”

 

“I’d like to follow you... but realistically, that would be impossible, right?”

 

“Yeah, yeah. What if I went abroad alone?”

 

Testing waters like this...

 

I really hated this side of me.

 

“How long will you be gone?”

 

“About a year...?”

 

“Hmm - you should go.”

 

“Really? If Han-gyeol told me not to go, I might not go.”

 

“It’s for your studies. How could I stop you?”

 

As expected, Han-gyeol replied without a moment’s hesitation.

 

His kindness stood in stark contrast to my own thoughts.

 

‘I guess I’m still just a child at heart.’

 

“I see. Just thought I’d ask.”

 

“That’s not like you, Eun-ha. Is something up?”

 

“No, no. I’m just nervous about a meeting with the teacher.”

 

“Ah, right, today’s your day? Then mine must be tomorrow. I’m a bit nervous too.”

 

The consultations were happening during lunchtime, based on the March mock exam and midterm grades.

 

I was number 17, scheduled for today, and Han-gyeol, number 18, was for tomorrow.

 

“Yeah, yeah. I should go now.”

 

“Okay. I’ll head back to the classroom. Have a good session.”

 

“Okay. See you later~”

 

I parted ways with Han-gyeol in the hallway and headed to the staff room.

 

“Ah, Eun-ha, you’re here? Take a seat here.”

 

The teacher pushed a small stool chair towards me.

 

As I sat down, the teacher reviewed my March mock exam and midterm grades.

 

“Eun-ha... Right. You’ve been managing your grades since the first year, but you said you made some mistakes in the March mock exam?”

 

“Yes... I got a bit mentally shaken after the math test, and it affected my performance in other subjects.”

 

“Hmm - I see. In the real exam, even if you do poorly in one subject, you need to quickly forget about it and regain your composure. Got it?”

 

“Yes, yes.”

 

The teacher didn’t have much to say about my grades.

 

“Eun-ha, are you planning to apply to universities mostly through the holistic admissions process?”

 

“I’m thinking of splitting it half and half between holistic and academic admissions.”

 

“It looks like you could meet the minimum grade requirements. Have you considered essay-based admissions?”

 

“Ah... I had initially planned for holistic and academic, so I haven’t really looked into essay-based admissions.”

 

“I see. Your student record management seems fine so far. It’s a pity you’re not in the broadcasting club for a film studies application...”

 

“I... did apply, but I didn’t get in.”

 

“Oh - I see. Sorry about that. Still, you’ve done a lot related to film through the library. Good job. Let’s talk again after the June mock exam. Any other questions?”

 

I wasn’t sure if it was okay to ask this, but I cautiously broached the subject.

 

“Um... Do you think I could get into the same university as Han-gyeol?”

 

“Hm? Han-gyeol? You want to go to the same university as your boyfriend?”

 

“Ah...! No, I... I was just wondering...! What do you think?”

 

The teacher smiled at my question.

 

“Hm - I can’t give specifics, but it seems like a bit of a reach for you, Eun-ha.”

 

“Is that so? Ah, no more questions then.”

 

“We’re done a bit early. I might as well do Han-gyeol’s consultation today too. Could you call him for me?”

 

“Ah, yes, of course. Thank you.”

 

“Alright~”

 

I bowed and left the staff room.

 

Entering the classroom, I found Han-gyeol studying at his desk, diligently working amidst the noisy room.

 

I felt increasingly sorry for Han-gyeol.

 

“Han-gyeol.”

 

“Huh? You’re back early. Did it go well?”

 

“Yeah, it was fine. We finished early, so the teacher said you could have your consultation today. You should go to the staff room now.”

 

“Oh, really? Then I’ll be back soon. Just relax here.”

 

“Okay. See you soon.”

 

Han-gyeol got up and headed towards the staff room.

 

Glancing at his desk, I noticed he had been studying Korean even in these short moments.

 

Watching Han-gyeol relentlessly advance was impressive, but it made me feel like he was drifting away from me.

 

I knew I had to work hard too, but why did these negative thoughts keep surfacing?

 

Instead of dwelling on this, I should have been studying hard like Han-gyeol, but I just couldn’t focus on my studies.

 

***

 

I desperately wanted to shake off the tangled feelings inside me.

 

But I had no idea how to let them go.

 

“Eun-ha, I’ll study at home today.”

 

To my dismay, Han-gyeol said he would study separately today.

 

It seemed harder to shake these thoughts alone, but I couldn’t interfere.

 

It was right to focus on rational and objective decisions over my emotions.

 

“Ah- okay. Got it.”

 

“Let’s at least go home together.”

 

“Yeah, sure. Let’s take it slow. I want to spend more time with you.”

 

“Alright. Let’s walk slowly.”

 

Han-gyeol smiled and took my hand.

 

“Han-gyeol.”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Just wanted to call you.”

 

Han-gyeol just smiled in response.

 

He must have noticed that my mood was off.

 

But he patiently waited without questioning, even though I didn’t want to reveal these feelings to him.

 

I feared they might make him despise me.

 

I decided to quickly sort it out on my own.

 

When we reached in front of my house, I said goodbye to Han-gyeol.

 

“Thanks for walking me home every time.”

 

“Be careful going inside.”

 

“Yeah, I will. I’ll text you once I’m home~”

 

I watched Han-gyeol’s retreating figure for a moment before going inside.

 

I didn’t go to my room but slumped on the sofa instead.

 

Staring at the ceiling, I let out a deep sigh.

 

“Haah-”

 

“What, was there an earthquake?”

 

“...Not in the mood to deal with you, brother.”

 

“Since when have you ever dealt with me?”

 

“Can you not nitpick?”

 

My brother was eating pizza in the kitchen.

 

“Why do you look like the world has ended?”

 

“Like you said, maybe I’m not a kind human being.”

 

I continued staring at the ceiling.

 

“You just realized that?”

 

That brat... but he was right.

 

“Why this sudden deep introspection?”

 

“Brother, what would you do if your girlfriend was really successful?”

 

“Ha! As if I’d find a woman like that. Don’t you know their standards? But of course, I deserve a pretty girlfriend.

 

I frowned in annoyance.

 

“So annoying. Shouldn’t have asked.”

 

“Haah~ A really successful girlfriend... I’ve never met one, but it’d be a bit unsettling?”

 

“Why unsettling? She would really like you.”

 

“That’s how people are. If someone is too successful, you fear they might drift away.”

 

My brother casually said this while watching a movie on his phone.

 

His words struck a chord with me.

 

“You’re just like me.”

 

“What? People are all the same.”

 

“But it doesn’t mean it’s not petty.”

 

“You want to discuss philosophy now? What’s your point?”

 

“Never mind. Sorry for the random talk. Enjoy your pizza.”

 

“Leaving any for you?”

 

“It’s all yours.”

 

After a few minutes of gathering my thoughts, I got up from the sofa.

 

That was when the intercom lit up and the doorbell rang.

 

“Who could it be? Huh?!”

 

I hurried to the door after checking the intercom screen.

 

“Han-gyeol?”

 

“Ah...! Hi?”

 

“Why are you here and not at home?”

 

“Well, I thought Eun-ha seemed a bit down.”

 

“Yeah, a bit down?”

 

“I brought this for you.”

 

Han-gyeol, his face flushed, cautiously brought out a bouquet of flowers from behind him.

--- The End OF The Chapter ---

 

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