Chapter 6: Childish Thinking(1)
How many days had passed?
I sat in front of the church, feeling as if I had returned to the squalor of the slums.
Although Sien abandoned me, I couldn't let go of her.
While I understood her actions, they were too detestable.
Even though I knew that she had no other options... I was searching for a target to vent my anger.
I resented Sien alone for a while, shedding tears, reminiscing about her, and worrying.
I thought that the fate that had been bestowed upon her was too cruel.
Could the gentle and tender Sien survive the fight against the demon king and demons tribe?
Even though she had a mild and cheerful personality, did she have the strength to witness the terrible tragedies and horrors?
Would she fall ill? Catch a cold? Get hurt?
I blamed Sien and ultimately worried only about her.
If I were chosen instead, I wouldn't have suffered so much.
But then again, if I think about it... Sien was the one worthy of God's love, not me.
After a few days of hanging out in front of the church, someone came out and poked me.
"Get up."
“...”
Responding to that voice, I turned around and saw the paladin whom I had been encountering frequently lately.
"Don't stay here any longer. Hey, I didn't come here to pick a fight, so let go of that expression."
“...”
“As a fellow human being, it is regrettable.”
I snorted weakly at his words.
Was he genuinely expressing pity for interfering between Sien and me like this?
“...”
The paladin seemed to guess the cause of my disdainful expression and began to explain himself.
“It was only natural to protect the saintess. The more she is with you, the more her holy power may weaken. Considering the tens of thousands of lives she could save, she had to push you away.”
“...”
“And there's nothing better for you here. Because the saintess left the day after she broke up with you.”
"...What?"
At his words, I turned my head.
I had been sitting here to prevent Sien from leaving again.
I didn't even see her passing by, and she had already left. What does that mean?
"...She left the city through a secret passage so you wouldn't notice. So, go back."
"...Hahaha..."
At the absurd news, I lowered my head and looked down at the floor.
I couldn't understand why my heart was bubbling and boiling like this.
Originally, the anger that used to dissipate when I saw Sien didn't subside without her presence.
There was an emotion festering inside me as if it would burst any movement.
I wanted to relieve the frustration even a little bit.
The paladin put a hand on my shoulder as I stood still.
"Get up-"
-Slap!
In the end, I chose the paladin as my target right in front of me.
I knew he hadn't done anything wrong, but I couldn't bear it anymore.
In the first place, I wasn't even that nice of a person.
.
.
.
.
Sometime later, I found myself imprisoned in an underground dungeon.
I was beaten and torn, and the blood was flowing from various parts of my body.
But strangely, these wounds felt refreshing.
I needed something, anything, to distract me.
I would rather endure physical exhaustion and pain than the unbearable agony that tore at my heart.
When I closed my eyes, Sien's figure kept appearing in my mind.
Her body scent, warmth, and touch were all still vivid.
I couldn't believe that she had been torn away from me.
From our first encounter to the memories we shared, everything felt so vivid.
I couldn't accept that our seven years of life together had come to such an end.
We were planning a happy life.
Both she and I were preparing to live according to that life.
But everything was gone.
-Drip...
Tears streamed down my face, dampening the cold stone floor of the prison.
I was already missing her.
****
I was able to get out of prison sooner than expected.
No sins were charged at me in the church.
"It's thanks to the mercy of the Holy Knight that you haven't been punished."
The guard who pushed me out of the prison said.
"Live in gratitude for the grace of the Hea."
“...”
Instead of answering, I walked away from the prison, spitting on the floor.
There was no sense of relief in being alive.
Even if I had died, there would have been no regrets.
I just couldn't feel anything.
When Sien left, it felt like she took away a lot of emotions with her.
Instead of emotions, only sensations remain alive.
I couldn't escape the pain I felt in my heart.
It was too agonizing.
I felt like I could do anything to not feel this pain anymore.
From that day on, I lived even more like trash.
Trapped in a slum where light doesn't come in, I only fought.
Those who couldn't escape the slums, or those who lost everything and ended up in the slums were my opponents.
I didn't discriminate based on race.
Just locking eyes with someone was enough for me to throw a punch.
Engaging with multiple opponents simultaneously became frequent, resulting in accumulating wounds, but I found it less agonizing this way.
During the fights, I could surrender myself to instinct.
I couldn't keep my body still.
If I stopped, Sien, who had left my side forever, would come to mind.
It was as she said.
The words she said, "Don't forget me, Bell," became a curse that tormented me.
And every time the pain got worse, I became even more reckless.
Even if someone were to place a knife on my back at any moment, I wouldn't notice and would act without hesitation.
After living like that for a few weeks, I gained a notorious reputation in the slums like never before.
When the children in the slums saw me, they all hid.
The number of eyes glaring at me from the shadows had increased, and the number of times I face a stranger holding a knife when I opened my eyes from sleep had increased.
I frequently suffered deeper wounds, and the marks on my body multiplied.
But I didn't care.
If I had any goal I cared about, it was finding the drink I would have that day.
After Sien left, I lived like that for more than two months.
****
-Thunk, thunk.
Someone disturbed my sleep.
As I slowly opened my eyes, I saw two pairs of legs in front of me.
-Thunk, thunk.
The person nudged me with their foot, trying to wake me up.
“Wake up.”
Immediately, I assumed a combat stance.
I extended my leg to kick the opponent's throat.
However, the opponent raised his leg as if he had already predicted it.
“Wow, that’s wild.”
“...”
As soon as a distance developed between us, I got up.
I try to lift the bottle from which I fell asleep while drinking.
“...”
Through the broken glass, only traces of alcohol remained.
The man standing in front of me spoke.
"So, you're the 'trash of the slums'?"
“...”
"...That's what everyone calls you. Anyway, you're not the one who's been causing a fuss lately."
I assessed the person speaking.
He had a fairly large body, a bit overweight. He was shorter than me, but he looked a year or two older.
There was a certain slickness about him.
But... he also came from the same background as me. Even if he was dressed neatly, his slum origins somehow showed through.
His arm was marked with scars, and his fist looked rough.
As I examined the sharpness of the broken bottle, I asked him.
"...Did you come to capture me?"
"Yes. I'm getting paid for it."
I tightened my grip on the glass bottle and approached him.
But before that, he reached out his hand to stop me.
"Wait, we can fight, but let's start with a conversation."
“...”
"You might be curious about my employer."
I wasn't particularly curious. Recently, the people seeking revenge against me were more than just a couple.
But the man took something out of his pocket.
Two coins and a partially eaten jerky emerged.
"It's the payment I received from my employer. Can you guess who it is?"
"...It's pretty cheap for a life."
"It depends on who gave it. This was given by the kids from the slums. It must have been everything they had."
When I looked around, I noticed children hiding in the shadows.
A young boy even tried to conceal a girl behind him.
In that sight, I saw a resemblance between me and Sien.
Unconsciously, my eyebrows twitched. A strange emotion briefly passed through my chest.
And upon seeing that, the man smiled.
"Good. You're not complete trash."
At his words, I swung the glass bottle.
-Clang!
In an instant, the opponent's kick hits my chest accurately.
I collided with the wall behind me, losing my grip on the bottle.
I couldn't breathe.
I could tell from that one hit. There was a significant difference in power between me and him.
"Ugh...!"
But I managed to lift my breathless upper body and clenched my fist.
-Slam!
And even that attempt was futile, to the point of being ridiculous.
As he kicked my leg, I lost my balance and fell, losing my center of gravity.
As I fell for the second time, I couldn't get up again. Trying to regain my breath.
The man sat down in front of me and spoke.
"Listen, kid. The request wasn't to kill you, but to eliminate you."
"Cough... Cough... Cough..."
"To be honest, what's the point of receiving a piece of jerky to kill someone? I did it for the kids, but..."
Feeling intense nausea in my abdomen, I vomited all the alcohol I had drunk the previous day.
"Ugh...! Cough...!"
“In the first place, I was looking for someone like you. I was looking for the right people to work with.”
The man came over and patted me on the back as I was pouring vomit.
“Would you like to join me as a mercenary?”
"Haa... Huh... What?"
Mercenary...
My heart sank at that word.
'You can't be a mercenary...!'
Sien's cries from the past echoed in my mind.
She had lost her parents because of monsters and grew to despise them.
That was why she came forward and left me to fight against the monsters.
Thinking that the conversation might be long, the man sat on the floor, crossed his legs, and slowly began to speak as if he was confiding in a close friend.
"I'm planning to form a mercenary group. But it's a bit daunting to start alone. But since you seem to know how to fight... Ah, should I introduce myself first? I'm Adam."
"Haa... Haa..."
"Well, you don't have to accept if you don't want to. I'll find someone else. But listen... I have something to say. You will be fighting here anyway, so why not get paid for it?"
"Haa... Haa..."
"You can earn money, drink expensive liquor to your heart's content, and sleep with women as you wish. After a hard day's work, you can come back and soak in a warm bath, enjoy a delicious meal, and spend your day like that-"
"-Get lost. Haa... I'm not interested."
Although I spoke harshly, Adam immediately countered.
"But you're still looking for someone to direct your anger towards, aren't you?"
“...”
His words left me speechless.
"If it weren't for that, you wouldn't be fighting like this."
I slowly lowered my gaze to the floor while locking eyes with him.
I can't help but feel uncomfortable when my insides were transparent.
"Just change your direction of anger. Don't torment innocent people here."
“...”
My eyes found the boy and girl I had encountered earlier.
In my eyes, I saw the boy hiding the girl once again.
At that moment, I became curious about what I was doing here.
Contrary to my belief that the pain would subside by doing this, it only intensified.
It felt like struggling in a swamp.
I hadn't escaped the agony yet.
When I woke up from alcohol-induced sleep, the loneliness intensified, with Sien's absence growing larger.
Furthermore, without realizing it, the thoughts planted by a man named Adam began to grow within me.
It was a childish thinking.
It was the mercenary job that Sien had warned me against the most.
She had tried to stop me from pursuing that occupation until the end.
But now, there was no one left to stop me anymore.
Just as Sien hadn't listened to my plea, I didn't want to listen to her words either.
I had found an outlet to pour out my anger.
"How about it? Will you give it a try?"
Therefore, I hadn't rejected his offer.
– – – End of Chapter – – –
